If you think of the United States Football League at all, think of it as a cucumber sandwich. It was a bad idea to start with, it was hard to digest and here it comes again.

Yes, spring football is with us once more. Not us, exactly. Not Chicago. The late and unlamented Blitz is somewhere in the ether, or the mind of Eddie Einhorn, which can be counted as twins.

The expiration of the Blitz removed the USFL from the Midwest, where folks know how to read the calendar, if not always without moving their lips.

In fact, the USFL is no longer where anybody lives, except for Los Angeles and New Jersey, if you call that living. It has essentially become a southern suburban league, following the example of soccer, a sport that at least knew what time of year it was most likely to be ignored.

The USFL has been argued out of playing in the spring next year, though the discussion is not over, so this could be the last time we are likely to have lilacs and punt formation at the same time.

It may be noticed that while nowhere in the heartland will be heard the sound of linebackers breaking something essential on themselves or others, the state of Florida has three USFL franchises, along with Lee Corso and his travel agent.

What can be made of this odd circumstance is not quite clear, except that the seasons in Florida are indistinguishable one from the other, as are the natives, and that every second person there sells real estate, which is how most of the USFL owners got their start.

The first two USFL champions are no longer in business where they started, Michigan having merged with Oakland, and Philadelphia having migrated down the road to Baltimore. It is assumed that this year’s winner will get a trophy and a bus ticket to Albuquerque, one way.

It has been reported that the USFL lost upwards of $70 million last season, which was reason enough for the players to threaten a strike recently. After deliberating the notion soberly and briefly, the players concluded that if they were to be responsible for the USFL’s committing suicide, they would wait until their bosses could afford the rope.

The league is down to 14 teams from 18, but that is still two more than when it started three years ago. Having now tried both addition and subtraction, the USFL is mostly interested in trying division. That is how it hopes to survive, by dividing up the $1.3 billion it hopes to get by suing the National Football League for being older, better and richer.

Failing that, multiplication is a possibility, the formula being 14 times yes equals four, or the number of teams it is willing to contribute to the NFL to stop being a nuisance.

As a grand plan, this scheme has as much chance of succeeding as a mule has of leaving an heir.

For collateral, the USFL can offer the last three Heisman Trophy winners, two on the same team, Herschel Walker and Doug Flutie of the New Jersey Generals. In between, Mike Rozier resides now in Jacksonville and will line up next to Archie Griffin, a more distant owner of two Heismans (Heismen?) all by himself.

In gratitude for stockpiling the most visible of college stars, the USFL may play football on Saturdays in the fall, or at the same time future Heisman winners are collecting votes. College football has yet to say thanks.

ABC-TV, the network of contract, has decided to show only one game a week, leaving assorted others to cable. And it will not regionalize the telecasts, thereby saving a few bucks on multiple crews and getting whatever it can out of the $15.5 million it pays for its burden. That’s $15.5 million to the whole league. Each of the 28 NFL teams makes as much alone.

The most notable game of the first weekend will feature young Flutie Sunday in his paid debut. Birmingham will be the opponent and the site, and ABC-TV will be in attendance, though not all of its outlets are enchanted with the prospect of watching Flutie make a small fool of himself.

Either that or they prefer to wait until Flutie learns to ride the bicycle before showing him in a race.

Flutie is this year’s only significant acquisition by the USFL, and the NFL is privately delighted to be free of him. On misguided fan appeal alone, Flutie would have cost some NFL team a high draft choice that can better be spent on a cornerback from Howard Payne.

Or for the money the USFL paid Flutie, Howard Payne himself. PHOTO: Lee Corso