Tag Archives: Favorite

Tiger, tiger

Surely, there is still more we can do for Tiger Woods. Thoughtlessly, we didn’t have him light the Olympic flame nor marry Jennifer Aniston. And it is too late to just hand over the Louisiana Purchase, not that Oregon isn’t still a possibility.

There is no excuse for our preoccupation with things other than Tiger, because, quite simply, there are no other things.

It is not enough that Woods does not put up any of his own money to play golf, as one-way a procedure as exists in sports. All professional golfers play for other people’s money. The only easier way to get money is to inherit it.

There is Sports Money and there is Tiger Money and reasonable people no longer swallow hard when it is suggested that Woods will become the first billionaire solely from his ability to hit a ball that doesn’t move until he hits it.

Nike has just given Woods a $60 million raise, so no need to hold a car wash for the Give It All to Tiger Fund. But I wonder if Tiger Woods be worth a fresh $100 million if his name were Scott Verplank or Rocco Mediate? Or if he were called Possum Putter?

While Woods may be worth every penny, I have always suspected that much of what has come to him is because of his name. Tiger Woods. How fitting. Better than Tiger Irons or Tiger Wedge if not quite with the scope of Tiger Lakes Golf and Country Club.

Woods’ real contribution to sports is as the example of what’s in a name being worth everything, not that being long off the tee hurts.

Moms and Dads, some advice. Designate your kids as what you expect them to do, like Crank Homer or Puck Handler. How much more impressive would Mark McGwire be as Advance Runner?

Basketball name changers were the pioneers, not just Lew Alcindor who redesignated himself as Kareem Abudul-Jabbar, but the more politically impressive and original Lloyd Free who became the happy sentiment, World B. Free. Dennis Rodman had to become Worm, whereas, he was, of course, always so.

These changes were not done for money, though the money came along. Which comes first, the nickname or the checkbook? In the case of Michael Jordan, the pre-Tiger pioneer in terms of having strangers throw money at him for no other reason than he allows it, he became Air Jordan simultaneously with his shoes.
Heretofore, the greatest golf name belonged to Bobby Cruickshank, slightly more sport-specific than Curtis Strange, and one of them managed to live it down.

A Pete Rose by any other name would be Charlie Hustle. I suggest Rose make it legal. Maybe he can get into the Hall of Fame that way.
The Broncos once drafted a nose tackle named Anthony Butts and he never did. So, this can be tricky. There was never a more aptly named footballer than Joe Don Looney.

Football has always been on the cutting edge of this, from Blood McNally to Ox Emerson to Tuffy Leemans to Bulldog Turner to Tank Younger to Night Train Lane to Mercury Morris to Shannon Sharpe.

The next step is for future NFL draft choices to be Ball Carrier instead of Mark Carrier. Why not Dash Fields and Star Whacker? It would save a lot of time and money on scouting. It would have helped the Broncos trying to find a place kicker to fill in for Jason Elam if there was someone out there already named Helmut Optional.

So, more is at stake for Tiger Woods than just whether he will be the wealthiest athlete ever, or if he is the next Jack Nicklaus, which is still a compliment to Nicklaus. Back when Nicklaus dropped out of college to play professional golf, he was not yet The Golden Bear, nor any animal of Tiger ferocity. He was Ohio Fats.

I do think that, before parents start naming children for their ambitions–Don King has, for example, come up a little short of actual royalty and Susan Butcher probably couldn’t clean a chicken–there should be this condition: exaggerated beginnings ought to have appropriate endings.

Someone once held a contest to nickname Joe Montana. a foolish notion. A man already with the name of a whole state doesn’t need another one.

Under my rule, this is what would have happened to Montana. As his career diminished he could have been, oh, Wayne Wyoming in his last years at San Francisco and then Vinny Vermont. He would have been Danny Delaware by the time he got to Kansas City.

Maybe by the time Tiger Woods gets to be Montana’s age, he will be Kitty Meadows.

20th Century

No ducking it any longer. The millenium bug is everywhere and duty demands it be noticed, as if it could be avoided.

Lists of the 100 greatest this and the 100 greatest that require not agreement, but simply attention, assuming always that 100 is not stretching the definition of greatness beyond the facts.

For example, I defy anyone to find 100 great swimmers or 100 great ski jumpers, or one great fencer, including Zorro.

Even hockey strains to fill the count, beginning confidently with Wayne Gretzky and Gordie Howe at 1 and 2 but finishing with Craig Ramsey at 100. No way to start an argument there. And a top 100 list without disagreement is like a bowling ball without holes, nothing to get a grip on.

Tell me this, how many garages do you have to visit to find anyone who will agree that Ayrton Senna was the greatest auto racer who ever lived? I think this about that. Only those who walked away from their final race should be considered.

Still, in my own scattered research of the topic, I found a general consensus not all that startling. Best baseball player? Babe Ruth. Best football player? Jim Brown. Best basketball player? Michael Jordan. Boxer, Muhammad Ali. Golfer, Jack Nicklaus and so on.

Best baseball team? The 1927 Yankees. Basketball, the 1997 Bulls. Football, the ’78 Steelers. Hockey? Pick a year with Montreal in it.

Best sports TV moment of the century? The gold medal celebration at Lake Placid by the U.S. Olympic hockey team.

(This is where I discovered that the biggest non-sports TV moment was the first JFK funeral. This narrowly beat out Mary Tyler Moore tossing her hat in the air, while man landing on the moon was way down at No. 8. I point this out just to show that sports people aren’t quite the idiots at this as real world folks are.

(And while I’m on the topic, how can any list of the 100 greatest composers not include Fats Domino? Or the 100 greatest books omit “The World According to Garp?” Ah, that’s somebody else’s column. I’ll get on with mine.)

I am here to take issue with the list I saw ranking the greatest years of sport. This has to be the ultimate sorting out of the century, pitting one year against the other. To my surprise I discovered that the greatest year in the 20th century in which to be a sports fan was 1998.

Just last year. If only someone had told me at the time, I would have paid closer attention.

We had Mark McGwire’s 70 home runs and the race with Sammy Sosa. Jordan’s last game and his last shot. The Yankees winning125 games and sweeping the World Series. John Elway finally getting his Super Bowl and France upsetting Brazil for the World Cup.

Impressive. But blurry, especially that Yankee business. And Jordan had done as much five times before.

How do you rate a year of sports being better than another? If your team has done well, it has been a great year, which makes the 90s in Chicago a golden age, because of the Bulls alone.

Here 1985 would very likely be at the top of any list because the Bears were more than just an exceptional football team, they were a team that reflected the image of Chicago, or how Chicago likes to think of itself, tough, defiant, winners. No other Chicago sports team has ever caught that the way those Bears did.

But I must be objective about this, and the greatest single year in a century of sports has to be 1973.

How about Billie Jean King beating Bobby Riggs and changing an entire gender’s opinion of itself? Secretariat winning the Triple Crown while threatening to lap the field in the Belmont? George Foreman winning his first heavyweight title by knocking out Joe Frazier, giving Muhammad Ali a whole new reason to reprove himself.

The only undefeated team in NFL history, the Miami Dolphins, finished 17-0, despite the single greatest blooper in Super Bowl history, Garo Yepremian’s nearly forward pass. UCLA won a seventh consecutive NCAA title behind the single greatest individual game ever played in college basketball, Bill Walton missing only one shot out of 22.

O.J. Simpson became the first running back to gain 2,000 yards. Notre Dame went undefeated to win the national football championship, beating Bear Bryant’s Alabama team by a single point in the Sugar Bowl. the Mets rallied from last place at the end of August to win the National League pennant and Henry Aaron finished the season one home run short of Babe Ruth.

A close call, but 1973 beats out the second best sports year of the century, 1963, the year Michael Jordan was born.

Fishing & Lying

Okay. I can live with the designated hitter in baseball.

I need more evidence before I`m convinced that the three-point shot is poison to basketball.

I can even face the truth of football, that it has become ballroom dancing since they put in all those new rules against honest violence.

But this time, they`ve gone too far.
This breaks my heart.
They are trying to take lying out of fishing.
Would I lie?
I am distressed to report that even fishing has fallen under the heavyhand of the reformer.

Just the other day a guy in Florida admitted he had stuffed a frozen bass with lead weights and passed it off as fresh and heavy.He had to give back his prize money.

All fishing tournaments now require contestants to undergo polygraph tests.Any one who fails is not allowed to fish. Ever again. Any where.Unless he lies about lying, of course.

A couple of guys from Michigan had to have their catch verified by a polygraph. Something about too many female walleyes in their tournament creel. It doesn`t matter.

The point is they needed proof that their fish story was true.

Aren`t we talking here about the end of civilization as we know it?

Lying and fishing have been going together longer than Nancy and Sluggo.

Separating the two is as unthinkable as breaking up a pair of bronzed baby shoes.

Which came first, lying or fishing? Better you should ask which came first, the fish or the roe?

Without lying, fishing is just worm washing.

I should have seen this coming. It was inevitable when tournaments began giving away prizes for fishing, as if the fish weren`t prize enough.

Where there are rewards, there are rules. Where there are rules, there are rules keepers.  Now there must be no question that the winner is holding up his catch with clean hands.

Just recently in Texas, a tournament fisherman was disqualified for putting lead sinkers in the stomach of the winning bass.

So what`s new?

Plutarch, the Greek biographer, reported the first fixed fishing tournament. Cleopatra and Mark Antony were fishing the Nile and, according to Plutarch, each was trying to catch more fish than the other. Ignoring diplomacy, Cleopatra had loyal eunuchs under the water tying fish to her hook.  It was her barge and her river. How would it look if she lost to a Roman? She would never get away with that today. She would have to take a lie detector test.

(If you can`t convince anyone to swim underwater and help out, you can always pre-catch prized fish and freeze them until tournament time. Thawed fish are not the same as fresh, no matter what headwaiters swear, so the careful planner will keep fish in a live well until needed.)

Stopping this sort of deception is okay as far as it goes, I guess. But what I`m afraid will happen is that, in the zeal to clean up its act, fishing will eliminate lying altogether. That would be a sad day for all of us who have ever lost the big one.

And is there a fisherman alive who ever caught a fish bigger than the one that got away?

My favorite fish story, and one I defy the science of lie-detecting to diminish, is the one about the fellow who wanted to catch the world`s smallest fish.

He had to use the lightest tackle possible, of course.  For his pole, he started out with toothpicks but switched to straw.  He had to rig his line with tweezers. He went from thread to a single strand of silk and finally to a wisp from a spider`s web.

He caught minnows and gold fish and guppies and worked his way down to paramecium. He had his single-celled catch mounted on a slide and would invite friends to look at it through a microscope.

When they had adjusted the knobs and eyepieces to get the tiny little prize in focus, he would say:

“And if you think that one is small…”

Hialeah

HIALEAH, Fl–Behind the rolled and faded elegance of the old Mediterranean clubhouse, shaded in the late afternoon by the long shadows of wispy Australian pines, at the edge of Hialeah Park`s tropical paddock stands a statue of Citation.

The great horse is a sentry guarding yesterday, a bronzed memory maybe even too distant for the wrinkled citizens who sit on webbed chairs and watch the odds dance on the auxiliary tote board.

On the second day of a new calendar, on the earliest Flamingo Day ever, Citation waits to review, as he has now for nearly four decades, the next generation of thoroughbreds.

They must pass him to enter the tunnel that will take them to the same track that launched Citation in 1948.

Others, too. They’ve nearly all been by, all the great ones. Seabiscuit. Nashua. Bold Ruler. Tim Tam. Carry Back. Buckpasser. Seattle Slew. Alydar. Spectacular Bid.

That is when there was order in the world. The Flamingo was the first grand prize of spring, run in April, and the road to Kentucky passed under royal palms.

Citation won the Triple Crown from here, his jockey Eddie Arcaro getting the ride after Flamingo winner Eddie Snyder drowned off the Keys on a fishing trip.

The future rushes at Hialeah in cluttered urgency. Sunshine real estate is too valuable to indulge an age that knew not air conditioning.

Hialeah has been dumped to the bottom of Florida racetracks, with the worst racing dates, because it is better business that way. It will survive or it will die, either way with none of the grace that made it a legend.

Hialeah’s private treasures are hidden from the shabby warehouses and garages of unzoned commerce by the elegantly swaying pines.

Little has changed since the trees, the track and the patrons were young except now you can buy one ticket on all 10 races for a million dollar payoff. Dreams never go out of fashion, the gimmicks just get wilder.

The 59th Flamingo is a blind guess. It is so wide open that three horses must be excluded. There is room only for 14, and the only credential necessary seems to be age. Every horse in the race has turned three years old the day before.

This is a discount Flamingo, cheaper and sooner and less conclusive than any before it.

The best of the crop, a horse named Forty Niner, trained by the antique treasure, Woody Stephens, will not run. “It’s just too early in the season to be running your good 3-year-old,” said Stephens. “You can’t tighten a horse up on New Year’s.”

Stephens enters one not needing tightening, one with his own middle name—Cefis—that will finish third.

  1. Wayne Lukas, winner of the last two Flamingoes, supplements a horse named Couragized and finishes fifth.

John Campo, the round, loud trainer from New York, races a vaguely familiar name, Cherokee Colony, son of Campo’s 1981 Kentucky Derby winner, Pleasant Colony.

Cherokee Colony breaks 12th and wins with a rush down the stretch by a length over the aptly named Sorry About That.

“I rode his father, too,” says jockey Jorge Velasquez. “I think he’s better. He’s more willing. He’s stronger and better looking, too.”

“Who knows if he’ll stay together?” asks Campo, who knows he is still four months from what is important.

Only once in the last 20 years has the Flamingo been run in a slower time than the winner’s 1:49 4/5, which figures to be 18 lengths off the record. The time can be extended to barely two seconds faster than Forty Niner’s last controlled workout.

There is no sense of anything ending among the principals, no group picture is taken, no program saved or tucked under the saddle blanket.

This may be the last Flamingo, certainly the last as a major stakes race.   A million dollars less is bet than the year before. Attendance is more than halved. And everyone says it could have been worse.

Hialeah owner John Brunetti issues a statement that says he hopes no one is fooled into thinking Hialeah can go on like this.

The famed flamingoes, stocked a half century ago by early owner Joseph Widener, are fed shrimp to remain pink, which, at the price of appetizers today, is not a cheap indulgence.

They still fly up from their rookery on the infield lake before the feature race , circle and return, their duty done for the tourists and for dinner.

Though the birds do not insist on cocktail sauce or mesquite barbeque, their diet is only one expense that burdens the dowager queen of horse racing, still the loveliest place in the world ot go broke.

This is the place where once slim women in wide hats and long gloves walked on the arms of men in white suits. They came by train from Palm Beach to see the horses run, most of which they owned.

The train from Palm Beach does not stop here any more, but the Metrorail does and unloads trios of old men whose socks are too high.

The winning horse’s chest heaves as if he just pulled the train down from Palm Beach as he is led down shed row under the live oaks that once dappled his father and Secretariat and Swale.

That may be a tear below Citation’s eye.

Or something left by a pigeon.

Sentiment, at the race track, is a live ticket.

Collected Works of Football Wits

GEORGE ALLEN, the football coach, had to fill out an insurance form for his players. The instructions asked that he list all employees and addresses, broken down by sex. Allen wrote,”None. Our main problem seems to be alcohol.”

It is not always easy to know what football means. As we head into
another Super Bowl Week, the week of words, here is the collected wisdom of everyone who ever had anything interesting to say about football:

“After being introduced and running through the goal posts, football
is all downhill.”
—Linebacker Doug Swift.

“When you are younger, you think football is a game.”
—Quarterback Richard Todd.

“THE TWO WORST things in football are:
1, They think that a 30-year-old professional athlete has to be locked up in a hotel room, with a curfew, the night before a game; and 2, They’re right.”
—Safety Cliff Harris.

“Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets.”
—Author Jimmy Breslin.

“Don’t bother to read the playbook. Everybody dies in the end.”
—Receiver Pete Gent.

“Running into the line, you go into a different world. All around you
guys are scratching, clawing, beating on each other, feeling pain. It’s too bad more people haven’t been in there, where football is really played.”
—Fullback Larry Csonka.

“MY IDEA of a good hit is when the victim wakes up on the sidelines
with train whistles blowing in his head and wondering who he is and what ran over him.”
—Safety Jack Tatum.

“Everyone has some fear. A man with no fear belongs in a mental institution. Or on special teams.”
—Coach Walt Michaels.

“There’s nothing wrong with reading the game plan by the light of the jukebox.”
—Quarterback Ken Stabler.

“Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners. Only survivors.”
—Halfback Frank Gifford.

“Football is one of the last great strongholds of genuine, old-
fashioned hypocrisy.”
—Author Paul Gallico.

“THERE HASN’T been anything new in football in the last 50 years.”
—Hall of Famer Red Grange.

“Some players now aren’t sure whether football is a vocation or avocation. You know what it is to me? It’s blood.”
—Coach Sid Gillman.

“I tackle everybody and then throw them away until I come to the one with the ball.”
—Defensive tackle Big Daddy Lipscomb.

“If any one of my sons would weigh a possible broken bone against the glory of being chosen to play for Harvard’s team, I would disinherit him.”
—President Theodore Roosevelt.

“I knew it was time to quit football when I was chewing out an
official and he walked off the penalty faster than I could keep up with him.”
—Coach George Halas.

“FOOTBALL IS not a contact sport. It is a collision sport. Dancing is
a contact sport.”
—Coach Duffy Daugherty.

“I played football before they had headgear, and that’s how I lost my
mind.”
—Baseball manager Casey Stengel.

“Football is a game for madmen. In football, we’re all mad. I have
been called a tyrant, but I have also been called the coach of the simplest system in football, and I suppose there is some truth in both of those. The perfect name for the perfect coach would be Simple Simon Legree.”
—Coach Vince Lombardi.

“When you are discussing a successful coach, you are not necessarily drawing the profile of an entirely healthy person.”
—Psychologist Bruce Ogilvie.

“A good coach needs a patient wife, a loyal dog and a great
quarterback, but not necessarily in that order.”
—Coach Bud Grant.

“IF YOU WANT to drop off the face of the Earth, become an assistant football coach.”
—Quarterback Bob Griese.

“Politics and pro football are the most grotesque extremes in the
theatric of a dying regime. It is no accident that the most repressive
political regime in the history of this country is ruled by a football
freak.”
—Linebacker Dave Meggyesy.

“Throwing a pass and seeing a man catch it and seeing him in the end
zone and seeing the referee throw his arms up in the air, it’s an incredible feeling. It’s like your whole body is bursting with happiness. I guess there’s only one thing in the world that compares to it.”
—Quarterback Joe Namath.

“I am not an animal.”
—Defensive end Deacon Jones.

“Gentlemen, you are about to play football for Yale against Harvard.
Never in your lives will you do anything so important.”
—Coach T.A.D. Jones.

“If the Super Bowl is the ultimate game, why are they playing it again next year?”
—Running back Duane Thomas.

Walsh Doesn’t Fit the Coaching Mold

IT IS HARD TO imagine Bill Walsh fitting in as a football coach anywhere but San Francisco. Walsh and The City are perfectly matched. Both are distinctive, attractive, literate, eccentric, arrogant and self-absorbed, yet both are fun to be around.

Wandering through Walsh’s imagination is a lot like wandering up and down San Francisco’s hills. There is a delight over every horizon, and even if you get lost, the scenery is worth the trip.

“If unique is what you seek,” said 49er guard Randy Cross, “then Bill Walsh is your man.”

We all know what the best football coaches are like. Their jaws jut, they have gaps between their teeth, their foreheads hang like awnings over their eyes and their life is at the end of the next can of game film. They have the sense of humor of a pit bull and the tolerance of a tax auditor.

WALSH LOOKS LIKE he just stepped out of a library. He talks like he has read half the books there and acts like he wrote the other half.

“The Super Bowl,” Walsh said, before he won one, “is to the American people what May Day is to Eastern Europeans, an added holiday.”

What most football coaches know of Eastern Europe they learned from their placekickers.

The older Walsh gets, the less inclined he is to dishevel the sport that has made him notable, but he once condemned the NFL support structure as “jockstrap elitists” and pro football itself as the plaything of “45- year-old football groupies.”

From the frosty tips of his silver hair to the barbs on the end of his pointed tongue, Walsh is quite decidedly not your run-of-the-cliche football coach.

AT ITS MOST basic, the upcoming Battle of Palo Alto, otherwise known as Super Bowl XIX, is a confrontation between modern and old-school coaches, Don Shula of Miami championing the traditional.

Shula came from Paul Brown, through Blanton Collier, by way of Weeb Ewbank, and was once a boy wonder head coach. He has never spoken of, or to, elitists and groupies, though he has been known to chat with the odd fan. Shula has never found any reason to abandon coaching lessons he learned early. Nothing beats hard work, organization and discipline.

“I don’t have peace of mind until I know I’ve given the game everything I can, because the whole idea is to get a winning edge,” said Shula, summarizing his vision and giving himself a title for his autobiography.

Walsh, at 53, is just two years younger than Shula, but he spent 18 years as an assistant while Shula was winning Super Bowls. Walsh’s long tenure as one of the boys may account for his more free-form approach to leadership.

“EACH OF US has a role to play,” said Walsh. “Mine does not have to be commander-in-chief. It’s kind of like being a submarine commander on a long, undersea cruise. You just can’t run around saluting all the time.”

In spite of his eccentricity, or maybe because of it, Walsh has become known commonly as a genius. He makes quarterbacks the way other coaches make excuses. His credits include Greg Cook, Ken Anderson, Dan Fouts and Joe Montana, not to mention assorted others at Stanford during his tenure there.

“I’m not sure I like the word ‘genius,’ t ” Walsh once protested. “There’s a certain figment of crackpot that goes with that, like a professor in a laboratory.”

Walsh will accept the title of artist, or even expert.

“I think I have as much expertise as anybody coaching football,” he said.

HE INSISTS HE is not consumed by ambition, but it is hard to believe him. He was irked at losing out on head jobs to Lou Holtz (Jets), George Allen (Rams) and Bill Johnson (Bengals) before he got the San Francisco job.

As if he needs to convince the world that none of this is important to him, Walsh has threatened twice to stop coaching the 49ers. Each time he has changed his mind.

Walsh cannot quite conceal his pride in having accomplished what he has, doing it his way, even as he insists, “I am not interested in having my won- lost record on my tombstone.”

Style matters less than results, and Shula has gotten better results than anybody. No other coach has ever been to six Super Bowls, but if Walsh should happen to win this Super Bowl, he will have won two in six years as a head coach, or just as many as Shula has in 22.

FOR ALL HIS varnished exterior, Walsh is not that much different from Shula underneath. As much as he might resist the truth, Walsh is a football coach and not half bad at it.

The chief difference between Shula and Walsh is that Shula does not apologize for his life’s work, and Walsh would have you believe that he has been merely slumming.