Before the politicians legislate a perfectly good idea out of business, we shall need to hurry if we are to ever find the next Terrell Davis, all joints working and scandal free, of course.

I speak in defense of human cloning, scoffed at as mad science, which is the only kind of any interest.

Here is an update from the wonderful world of cloning: Not just sheep, but mice and monkeys, too. See what I mean? I’m selling shares while this thing is still on the venture side of Vince Carter.

Yes. Consider this the initial public offering for Jock Duplicates Unlimited, or as we call it around the shop, Hoops Dupes, although we don’t plan to stop merely at basketball players.

It just seems that the NBA is where the money is, so that is the best place to start. We’ll get around to Tiger Woods eventually, if Nike hasn’t beaten us there already.

As an infant industry, we’re pretty much playing this by ear, ours at the moment, but, hey, Dikeme Mutombo’s are there if we need them.

We see sports cloning as the grown up version of kids trading bubble gum cards. When offering three Antonio McDyesses for two Tim Duncans, that’s exactly what the exchange is, actual McDyesses and actual Duncans. Dan Issel can’t see himself in Raef Lafrentz? Our way, he can see himself in himself.

We do not assume that there will be only, say, Kobe Bryants in the NBA, though we think every team should have his own. How dull would basketball be with only Kobes and no Allen Iversons?

We understand budgets and know that not everyone could afford five Kobes anyhow, so our scale pretty much starts with a waiting list for a Kobe and bring your own wheel barrow for a Nick Van Exel.

Nor are we limited to contemporary players. Michael Jordan can come back and meet Michael Jordan. Wilt Chamberlain meet Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Bill Russell, stuff them both.

Oscar Robertson? Magic Johnson. Meet you at the baseline.

Our catalog is not yet complete and our price sheet is presently being Xeroxed, as a matter a fact, so is our small forward, but we can tell you this, one Dennis Rodman was enough.

We do not know how far this can go, but we do know this. Had such strange science been available back a few years ago, not only would we have not cared whether Brian Griese is or is not going to become the next John Elway, we could have just ordered up the next John Elway.

We are also unsure how great the demand will be for baseball clones, so what we are going to do is just recompose the 1976 Cincinnati Reds, including Sparky Anderson as manager, only this time we’re going to call him A-Spark.

If this team can not beat any present baseball team and have more fun doing it, we won’t bother with baseball any more. While we are hopeful, we are not taking any bets that the next Pete Rose will get into the Hall of Fame.

We deal only in franchise sports. There is no profit for us in individual games, so we will not be making any Maurice Greenes, even if Greene places the order himself. Well, maybe a Lance Armstrong or two, just for the competition.

It might be interesting to see Mike Tyson fight Muhammad Ali but another Don King is not worth it.

And no soccer. It’s my company. It’s my rule.

Maybe eventually we will tinker and put, oh, Rick Barry’s wrists onto Shaquille O’Neal or Steffi Graf’s forearm on Martina Hingis, but we are getting ahead of ourselves, and Steffi and Andre Agassi might beat us to it the natural way.

But you have to be careful depending on nature. Andre’s hair, Steffi’s nose? Never happen our way.

But, speaking of heads, we might try Kirby Puckett’s on Barry Bonds as long as somebody else pays for the tailoring.

A line of Gretzky, Hull and Richard? Possible. A backfield of Unitas, Brown and Payton? It can be done. We have the technology.

But we have a larger purpose. We can answer every sports bar bet.

Could Bill Romanowksi wear Tom Jackson’s shoes? Romo can try them on. And give them back to Jackson when they do not fit.

The ’01 Lakers and the ’96 Bulls? Jump ball.

Here’s Sandy Koufax into the wind up. The pitch to Todd Helton…

Not only is the sky the limit, if we don’t like it, we’ll just make another one.

Send check or money order. Cash is too easy to copy.